By Alice Jensen, Feb. 2015WARNING: This blog contains information that you may not wish to read nor wish to have others read. I believe that this story needs to be told and pray that it will be an encouragement to others who have gone through the same experience or care for someone who has. You may comment, but no negativity, please. You do not know how emotionally hard it has been for me to finally write this story.
Introduction: During the month of January 2015 the Lord allowed my husband and I to watch a certain television show that dealt with rape, specifically "date-rape". My husband and I got to talking afterwards because I was wondering if there is some ministry that I could do for other women who have been raped. A ministry of the Lord. My beloved husband very pointedly told me that I wasn't ready because I had never faced my past yet. I still blamed myself for what had happened to me. My husband very clearly assured me that none of it was my fault. NONE of it! and that I had to come to a realization and acceptance of that fact before I could help anyone else. That is when I decided to write this with the grace and help of the Lord.
"An Admission of Truth"
When I was seventeen years old, I was working at the place that my mom managed. She and I were the only ones that worked there and I usually closed the business by myself in the early evenings. When my parents went on vacation, I was left in charge. I think it was during that time that the city fire inspector came to do his inspection of the building where we were located. The young man came into our business to check our fire extinguishers and we got to talking. He was cute and very friendly. I was young and looking for a boyfriend. So, I decided to flirt a little with him. It didn’t take long for him to take the hint and he invited me out on a date that Friday after I got done with work. It didn’t take long for me to agree.
Those who know my past know that I had been sexually assaulted several times as a child and as a teen. I had been raised to believe that “love” between male and female, meant sexual favors. Even though I was now a Christian, I still didn’t understand how to behave with the opposite sex. I wanted it to be romance and friendship and being together. I truly did not want it to be just sexual pleasures for the man. But I didn’t know how to find that kind of true love and by that time in my life, I was just looking for a man to marry me, to cherish me, and to get me away from my parents.
Our date went fairly well, but right away I felt scared because he told me that he was not a Christian and didn’t care to hear about religion. He ordered wine with the dinner and I told him that not only was I too young to have alcohol, but that I didn’t like it at all. My grandfather and my favorite aunt had both died alcoholics. I couldn’t see any good that came from drinking it. He didn’t care about what I thought and basically called me a baby. I should have walked away right then and there, but he became my “challenge to convert” instead.
After dinner, he took me to a house that belonged to a friend of his. I thought the friend would be there and we would end up visiting with him. But no, that wasn’t why this guy wanted to get me there. He had sex on his mind. I was so foolish and decided that I would stay and we would just engage in a little kissing. I thought I was strong enough to stop him if he tried to go too far. He got a bit friskier than I had wanted, And I firmly told him to stop and he was "kind" enough to stop and take me home.
I don’t remember any more “real” dates other than him visiting at my house and me visiting at his apartment a couple of times. I kept trying to get him to come to church with me and he kept trying to get me to go to bed with him. He said that he would come to church if I first had sex with him. I refused and he told me that we could never go any further in our relationship unless he could “test-drive the car”. I was really offended by that, but also really stupid to keep him even as a friend.
The last time I went to visit him; I decided to go with my Bible marked with passages for him to read. I hoped that if I “accidentally” left it in the living room on the end table under my sweater, that he just might be enticed to pick up my Bible and read it. I was such a naïve fool. I was a young woman, a baby Christian, and one desperate girl who just wanted to be loved for who she was.
A few days later, this guy called and told me to come over and get my stinking Bible and sweater. It was a Wednesday night and I had just returned from prayer meeting at my church. I was so sad to hear him call my Bible stinking. I knew it meant that I had failed. I began to accept the fact that I could no longer have contact with this guy after I retrieved my items.
It was about 9:30pm when I showed up at his apartment. The man opened the door wearing a big, fluffy bathrobe and appeared to be getting ready to go to sleep. I was just going to get my items and get out with the knowledge that this relationship was over. He told me to come in and pick up the stuff myself because he didn’t even want to touch my Bible. (I should have known that the guy was a demon in the flesh who couldn't stand the Word of God!) I went into the living room and picked up my Bible from the same place where I had left it. He was angry that I had tried to get him to look at my Bible. It scared me and I could feel my heart beginning to beat faster. I looked around for my sweater, but it was nowhere to be seen. The guy told me that he had put it in his bedroom, but that I would have to go get it myself because he didn't want to even touch that. I did not want to go in there, but he would not let me leave. He was so convincing that he would not bring my sweater out and I had to go get it from his room. How I wish I had just left it there and gone home, but it was my favorite sweater.
The adrenaline was flowing from apprehension, but I reasoned that I had been pure in my motives and that I could get the sweater quickly enough that I would be safe from this guy. So, I tried to make light talk as I entered the bedroom. I had never been in there, let alone ever even looked in the room before. I had no idea where to find my sweater. When I finally saw it on the night stand (which was located on the far side of the tiny room), my heart began to beat really fast in fear. As my heart raced, my voice got higher and faster. I just tried to get him to realize that I cared about his soul and wanted him to accept Christ as his savior. He stood there mutely and angrily glaring at me.
I don’t know how fast it happened, but with my back to the guy, I reached for my sweater and from the corner of my eye I could see him drop his bathrobe to the floor. He was completely naked when he rushed up behind me, pushed me to the bed, and ripped off my panties. He was so strong and had my shoulders pinned to the bed with his arms and my legs pinned down with his. He then shoved his knee between my legs and fiercely told me to "let him in". I cried and screamed and begged him to stop. He said this was happening whether I liked it or not and he shoved his other knee between my legs. I began to scratch his back. I dug in my nails . I know I scratched him deep enough to draw blood and so did he. He then threatened to kill me and put his forearm across my throat and angrily told me to shut up and let him finish. I was so scared I obeyed and tears streamed down my face onto his pillow soaking it. I could not believe that I was being raped and losing my virginity in such a horrible way. I fully blamed myself for being so stupid.
When he was done, he told me to clean up. While I was in the bathroom he asked me if I had the venereal disease “crabs” because one of his friends thinks he got them from his toilet. I was so mad at him for what he had done and what he had said that by the time that I left the bathroom, I went to the front room and shoved him as hard as I could and ran out the front door. I ran all the way home crying my eyes out. It was late by the time I got home to my parent’s house, so I hid out in the basement “rec-room” for the rest of the night. I didn't want either of my parents to see me, let alone question me about my crying. I blamed myself for the rape, I never told anyone about it until I was married. I hated the man who did this to me and became very bitter about the whole thing. The hatred became so strong in my heart that I decided to hate all men and trust no one.
In 1990, the Lord got ahold of my heart and mind. The Holy Spirit convicted me of my sins of anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, and hatred. I was finally able to understand me sinful part and to forgive those who had hurt me sexually. However, I still had a very hard time admitting that I wasn’t responsible for the rape. I believed that if I had never even flirted with this unsaved man or had never been alone with him or hadn't gone to his apartment or hadn't even let him touch me in the first place, then he wouldn't have raped me. It wasn’t until I was married that I could even admit that it was a rape. My precious husband has helped me to realize that I was victim of rape and that none of it was my fault…and this is a fact that I had not accepted until this very day, January 9, 2015.
I wrote this testimony after Jerry and I had watched a couple of television shows that had featured rape in them. It made me begin to think about the rape that had happened to me so long ago. I never got the counseling that I needed. Jerry still thinks that I might need some, but I don’t. I just really don’t want to rehash an incident that old. I am hoping that it has turned from trash into a treasure, from compost into mulch, from bad into good. I have forgiven the guy who did this to me and I don’t even remember his name. I just want to be able to use my rape to be a blessing to others who have gone through the same horribleness. If there is one absolute truth that I wish to share, it is that the one who did the rape is totally to blame for it and the one who was raped is not to blame in any way. Another truth I would share: God loves you so much and the terrible things that happen in this life are because man chooses to sin, and that God can give you absolute healing and victory over every trial. If you wish, please pray for me that I would be used of the Lord to be a blessing to others who have been raped especially to Christian women. Thank you!