When I was a child and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answer was always, "a teacher and a mommy." Those desires never left as I got older, but my desire to be a mommy grew stronger once I got married. I got pregnant two months after our wedding. It was not planned, but was a pleasant surprise. Four months later that precious baby passed away while still in my womb. It broke my heart. A few months later, more determined than ever, I was pregnant again. This time with twins, but they too passed away too early. My desire to have a child become an overwhelming goal.
I made vows to God, I prayed without ceasing to be able to have a child. (To say I was discontent and obsessed would be a valid statement.) We waited a year before we tried again and when I did get pregnant we determined to not tell anyone until I was past the third month of gestation. I did everything in my power to make sure that this baby would not pass away and would be born alive. I was desperate to have a child. And that next year, I finally had my baby daughter.
There would be at least two more miscarries and a total hysterectomy by the time I was twenty-seven years old. And then I would find out that my one and only child was "defective". I was an angry woman who became very bitter with the way I felt I had been treated by God. I blamed him for all of the miscarries and physical difficulties, and for my only child's disabilities. (Years later I confessed those wicked sins and God sent great healing to my soul and spirit.)
However, there is still the fact that I am a "mommy" to an adult child. This was never what I expected when I was a little and wanted to be "a teacher and a mommy" when I grew up. There are times when I get really tired of still being a mom. The vast majority of mothers only get to raise their children for 18 years, but those of us with "special" children get to parent them forever. This fact can be overwhelming at times, especially more so when you have to deal with your own aging, and for me, my chronic pain and growing limitations. I wouldn't change this parenting for anything, but there are times when I wish that I could just tweak it a bit. There are times when I really wish the frustration wasn't so overwhelming. Those times when I once again realize that my adult child is still doing the same things we confronted strongly just a few months ago. It makes me feel like things will never improve with those issues. The frustration gets to be too much and I just have to cry out to God and pray, and go for a long walk. And then, get over it and go on with life, hopefully a bit stronger and wiser than I was before.
Be careful what you long for. Be careful of your discontent. Be careful of your attitude and actions. You just may get more than you expected, both bad and very good. If I could, I wouldn't go back and change a thing. God has allowed all things to work out for my good and I am very grateful.
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