Momma

My mom has dementia. She gets stuck on a subject and will revisit it often, and I mean often, until she gets stuck on another subject. Actually, she has a few subjects that she can be stuck on at the same time. Last year it was the trees and the clouds and the "boyfriends" that she had. I don't know how many times we heard about Art Ritis, Luke Emia, and Al Simers. It was nice when she finally got onto another topic, but then she got stuck on it.

Please realize that I love my momma very, very much and thank the LORD that I still have her as a physical part of my life. She isn't the woman that she used to be and that is sometimes sad. However, she is here and lives near-by and I can still enjoy her company.

For the last few months my mom is stuck on the subject of my younger brother and myself being her "oops children". Yes, we were a surprise. My mom already had her one boy and her one girl. That's all she had wanted. She thought she was done having children when my sister was born. Then, nine years later I came along and only thirteen months later my younger brother arrived. So, technically, I guess we are her "oops children". But that was over 50 years ago!

I like to think of us as her "gift children". A surprise gift from God. Those who don't think God has a sense of humor, haven't been noticing the funny stuff that He allows.

Another subject my mom is stuck on also concerns my younger brother and myself. And that is the color of our hair. She keeps accusing us of dying it. (I admit that I do, but not more than three times a year.) Our genetics are such that we just don't get grey until we are older. However, if you look close enough there are a few. My brother just keeps his so short that you can't see his gray hairs.

So, I decided to find a picture of my mom from when she was my age. I looked through my photo albums and found a nice one of her reclining on the couch with our favorite dog, Chi-Chi. (Chi-Chi was a tiny, deer chihuahua that we had from the time she was just six weeks old until she was 16 years.) It was hard for me to realize that my mom was my age when that photo was taken. I remember it so well.....

And that is where the real truth and blessing are to be found!

That picture of my mom was taken 32 years ago, right after Jerry and I had gotten married. The two of us had just returned from San Diego, I had just turned 20, we had to live with my parents because the economy was failing, and the job Jerry had waiting for him was gone. It was a horrible time in my life, and I hated my parents because of things that had happened in my youth. (I may write about those at some other time.)

Looking at my mom, I thought of how I would feel if I was her. She was a mean mom and was dealing with her own problems, but I had no right to hate her. I wonder if I hurt her. How could I not? Maybe that is why she retaliated back in such hurtful ways to me.

And then, while looking at the photo, the Lord reminded me of how much He loves us and how much He has done in our lives to forgive us, and how He has healed all of the pain and sorrow that we had back then. It is amazing and oh so wonderful. It is hard to believe what life was like way back then, but it is even harder to believe that God would take these rotten sinners and forgive them of their sins and change their hearts.

So, I give all thanks and praise to the Lord. Thanks for my precious momma. Thanks for forgiving us and healing us with Your amazing love. Thanks for her dementia and her getting stuck on subjects. Thanks for showing me this photo and reminding me of Your grace and mercy.

No higher calling

The other night I was on a tiny little pity party. I couldn't breathe because I had a sinus infection and my body just ached from a fibro flare-up. It was time for bed, and I felt sorry for myself. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. When I get to feeling sorry for myself, I sink into sin. My thoughts all focus on me and what I have had to "give up" because of my health issues. Oh, rotten self starts to believe the lies that come from the swill of my brain. Lies that claim God doesn't love me and that if He did, I wouldn't be sick, I would be able to do all of the things that I want to do. Lies that claim I am a failure. Lies that claim life isn't fair because I have had more than my share of suffering. Lies, lies, lies.

However, this night, the Holy Spirit was right there to counter those sin filled lies. The lie that was trying to overwhelm my brain the most was the lie that God doesn't love because I can't do the things that I used to be able to do. Immediately the Holy Spirit asked me why God had created me in the first place?! Why did God create woman? Genesis 2 tells us that man (Adam) was placed by God in the Garden of Eden and that he was alone. Verse 18, "And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him." So, God created woman (Eve) from one of Adam's ribs. Verse 23 & 24, "And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall becalled Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."

I knew right then and there that I have no higher calling than to be the wife of my precious husband. To be a mother is an amazing blessing. To be able to work with children is a wonderful gift. To be able to write, to teach, to mentor, to do anything at all is truly a blessing. But to be a wife, a wife of a man that loves God, to be a Christian wife to a Christian man....for me there is no greater job. I know that there are some out there who believe that to be a wife is to be a "slave", a "servant", a "doormat" for a man to do with as he pleases. In very few cases they are correct. But I truly believe the Word of God, that God created me to be a wife, an help meet for my husband.

Jerry needs me and I need him. Jerry loves me and I love him. Jerry loves for me to help him, and I love to be able to help him as much as I can. In spite of my fibro, there is nothing greater that I can do than to be an helpmeet for my husband. Praise the LORD!

Faith in Facts

Just want you all to know that I am having a bad day. My fibromyalgia has been flaring for several days, I woke up fatigued, and I am very depressed. With that said, I am still thankful and can see God's blessings in spite of everything. He loves me. He abides with me. He shall bring me through this trial as He has every single other time that I have gone through this same thing.

Having depression is awful, but it does not have to overwhelm. I make myself remember God's Word. It is the only Truth that I have. If I was to base my faith on my feelings, I would have become an agnostic decades ago. Instead, I force myself to place my faith in facts. And those facts are only found in the Bible. I choose to believe His Word, instead of the lies my brain tells me when I am in the slough of depression.
I know that this too shall pass and that God will never leave me nor forsake me.

New Year Resolution

I know that at this time of the year many of us look back and reflect on last year and or try to look forward to the new year by setting resolutions. I usually do the same thing every year. But this year I haven't really made any resolutions. I am trying to make my life easier and by not having a list of goals that I am trying to accomplish it does make life seem simpler. However, it also leaves me feeling like I am drifting along just floating to nowhere in particular. As a very organized person, I need to have some direction. So, this morning during my special time with the Lord the thought came to my mind, "What goal or command would Jesus give to me if He was speaking to me directly in person?" Instantly, the Holy Spirit brought to mind the greatest command of all. It is the command that Jesus did speak personally two thousand years ago. You can find it in the Gospels, and it still applies to all Christians today. "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all the heart, and soul, and mind, and strength."

I truly believe that if we were to let that command guide all that we do, it would radically change the way we live. It would change the way we think. It would change the world. If we love the Lord our God with all of our being, then we will seek to please Him in every single thing that we do. We wouldn't have to worry about whether we were doing the right thing. We wouldn't have to make any other resolutions because all that we do would be based on our love for the Lord.

 
So, my resolution this year is one that anyone and everyone who claims Christ as Saviour should also have as their resolution for this year. To love the Lord our God will all our heart, to love the Lord our God will all our soul, to love the Lord our God with all our mind, and to love the Lord our God will all our strength.

Contentment

Paul writes that he had to learn contentment. Paul, the greatest Christian in the Bible had to learn contentment. Contentment is learned and can be learned by anyone who truly knows the Lord. There is no real contentment apart from God. So, how do we learn contentment? First by confessing your sin of discontent. Yes, discontent is a sin because God says that we are to be thankful for everything. That is the second step...be thankful. Start making a list and keep adding to it every day. I love to drive alone and just thank God for everything that I see and everything that comes to mind. There have been a couple of times when I started out the trip in a bad mood, but when I start giving thanks, before I even realized that it has happened, I feel so much happier.

I learned a big lesson in contentment a month ago. It is hard to have fibromyalgia. It is even harder to be truly thankful for it. And even harder for me to be content in the fact that this is God's will. Last August, I was feeling much better and thought that I would be able to go back to work as a para-educator, so long as I didn't have to do anything too physical. I was hired as a substitute for the local school district and hoped that it would help me get a full-time hire. I applied for so many positions and couldn't figure out why I wasn't being called to interview for the positions I really wanted. However, I got interviewed for every job that I did not desire.

Early in October I started in a position that became a long-term sub job. I loved it there and thought that I had finally found the job for me. But they never interviewed for the job once they had posted it. Then, my fibromyalgia began to flare up really bad when the weather began to get cooler and wetter. I definitely was not content even though I was doing a job that I loved. Doing this subbing also made it hard for me to do anything except for the job. I could no longer mentor. I couldn't help with the Christmas program. I was too sore to stay at church. I was tired all the time and so on. Then, I had a super bad flare up at work and had to go home sick and sleep the rest of the day. It was then that I knew beyond a doubt that God did not want me to work outside of my home.

As I read through my 2011 journal last week, I discovered how discontent I had been concerning fibromyalgia and the inability for me to work at an outside job. I could see the Lord at work. He was the one who had kept me from getting interviewed for the jobs that I had wanted. He knew that if I had gotten hired for any of those positions, I would have had to resign because of the fibro. I did have to resign from even doing subbing and I am so content. I have absolute peace and joy from the Lord that this is His will for me. I am able to mentor once again. I am able to support my family and take good care of them. I am able to work with my husband in starting our new Life-group. And this morning I was asked to write a script for our church Easter program. (That was a blessing because I felt that God was encouraging me to do script writing once again.)

Contentment can be learned and is something that we must learn and practice every single moment of every day. Thanks be to God for all things.

FLAMING fIbro

This has been the worst two plus weeks of fibro that I have had in a long time. Had a massage a few days ago, but I was so bad that it felt like I was being skinned alive. Didn't think I felt that bad, but wow, surprise, and not in a good way. The massage therapist wound up only able to do pressure point treatments. ARG! I was so looking forward to a good massage because I haven't been able to get a massage in a couple of months.

The pain and stiffness have become so bad that I cannot sleep all night, even with ibuprofen and Benadryl. And every morning I am so stiff that I have to do stretches in bed before I get up. Even then, it takes half an hour before I can walk without immense pain. Getting on the exercise bike helps a lot. And doing my morning stretches afterwards helps even more.

I am reading a book that is helping me keep my mind thinking the right things. It has been twenty years since I had read this book and just felt that it was time to read it again. I am so glad that I am. The book is called, "Telling Yourself The Truth". The first time I read it, my life was a complete mess. This time my life is much better, but I still struggle with the things that I say in my mind about circumstances. I think that I would be really depressed about the fibro if I was listening to my brain instead allowing God to take control of every thought and bring into captivity.

One major blessing did come from the massage. The therapist and her youngest son came to my church today for the Christmas play. In spite of this fibro attack, I was able to have a small part in the play as a shepherd. So, it was a great blessing to have my therapist and her son there for it.

Busy, busy

I know it has been a loooooong time since I posted on my blog. 

For the month of September, Jerry and I refinished our kitchen. It was hard work, lots of fun, and came out great. (That's Jerry above.)

Then I was called in to do subbing as a para-educator. I thought it would only be for a couple of weeks....it turned out to be two months and would have been even longer, except... I had to resign due to my fibromyalgia. The pain had been under control and not so bad that I couldn't handle it, but as time passed and the weather got worse, so did the pain. It is now so bad that I can hardly get out of bed in the morning, and it wakes me up in the early morning. I need to get back to the pool and back to as stress-free as possible. Now that I am no longer working, I should be able to get things back to a dull roar. I can't do anything about the weather that affects me so negatively, but not working will make it possible for me to go to bed when I need to and that always helps. This will also give me more time to get back to posting more frequently. Hope you will check back often, now that I am back.