School's Over

I thank God for the peace that He gives. Last Monday, I went to the school to do some volunteer work. I was watching "my kids" practice for their 6th grade graduation when it seemed like a flood of tears was about to overwhelm me. I decided that it would be best if I went home. There in the privacy of my house, I was able to let them flow. It was amazing to realize that the children who had been "babies" just six years earlier were now ready to become young adults. They didn't need me anymore and that was hard to accept. (Poor Jerry had to put up with my depressed mood for the rest of the day. I don't think he noticed since he was still so sick.)

The next morning, when I started my quiet time with the Lord, I was surprised to find the Holy Spirit waiting for me. He immediately filled me with peace and comfort. I knew that God loves these precious children so much more than I ever could and He reassured me that He was watching out for them. Amen!

I know that many of you do not understand the care, concern, and love that I have for these specific children. I believe that it is a gift that the Lord gave to me. I have always loved children, except for several years when I was so bitter and angry at God for the sorrow He had allowed me to endure. However, when I confessed and forsook those sins, the Lord restored that great ability to love once again. Then, six years ago, God gave me a most wonderful job of working as a para-educator in the same school that I had attended decades earlier. The children that I worked with were in the "normal" classes and I fell in love with all of the students. I was able to work with them from first grade to fifth grade and then was able to volunteer in their classrooms this year. So, I have been with the same students for six years which is half of their lives. The Lord has used me to guide and encourage many of the kids and to even be able to witness to a few of them.

So, on the last day of school, I thought that I would be crying a lot since that would be the last time that I would be with them. (No, I do not plan on volunteering at the junior high.) But, instead, I was full of joy and gratitude. What a blessing it has been to be a part of the lives of so many children and for so many years. I want them to remember me as an adult who cares about them and not a selfish cry-baby. I pray for them and wish them all the very best. And I thank God for all His blessings!

Mental Illness Part Five

I just feel led of the LORD to write another post about depression. There are so many people that suffer from this mental illness and several of them are Christians. I know because I am one of them, so is my mother, and so is my daughter. Someday, I believe, the scientists and doctors will discover that almost, if not all, mental illnesses are genetic. It is my hope and prayer that this post will bring some encouragement to those Christians who do suffer from mental illness, especially depression.

It was very hard for me to admit that I had a problem with depression especially after hearing from so many other Christians that it is the most selfish of all emotional problems. For those who don't have depression and may not understand, let me give you a little insight. It isn't something that I want to have nor is it something that I desire. It is a chemical imbalance that happens to my brain. It occurs whenever things get out of whack. Why and when it happens, is not something that I can just control. If I could, I would just wish and work it away. But that is impossible. I have heard from others, "Just think happy thoughts and then you will be happier." Okay, how does that work for someone who has heart problems? How does that work for someone who has pancreatic problems? How does that work for someone who has hearing loss? I do agree that there are times when I do need to change my thoughts, and if I can, I do try. But there are other times when there is nothing that seems to help and I just have to wait it out. And for those of you who still might think that mental illness is demon possession or oppression, where do you get that idea? If it is from the Gospels, then you must also believe that blindness, deafness, and physical crippledness are also from demons...because that is what it says in the Gospels.

Here is what I believe. I believe that most mental illness is genetic. I also believe that it is influenced by sexual hormones and that is why so many women suffer worse when their hormones are fluctuating. It is also a fact that more people who live in the "darker" areas of the world have more of a problem with depression. I heard that suicide among teenage Alaskans is 10 times higher than the national average, especially during their dark winter months. I sure know that I feel much worse during the shorter, cloudier days here in western Washington.

So, I do have some good news. There are some ways to help yourself. I am going to list the things that I do that help me and maybe they can help you too. I am not an expert; I just offer my suggestions.

1. Go see your doctor and get a good check-up to make sure that there are no other problems that may be causing your mental illness.

2. Be honest with yourself and with others. If they don't understand, that is their problem. There are others who will.

3. Take medication if the doctor believes that it will help. It may take several different ones and many months or years before you find one that works well for you. I use Savella, which is not an anti-depressant, but it helps my fibromyalgia and my mood.

4. Realize that anti-depressants do have side effects and may cause you to need other medications to help. All the anti-depressants that I tried gave me high blood pressure. I now take a very low dose of Benicar and am back to normal.

5. Exercise. You must do this! I ride a recumbent bike every day and when I feel really bad, it gets a good work-out. I tend to get angry when I am depressed and riding that bike helps work out that anger. I can get up to 20 miles an hour for about 10 minutes and by then I get to feeling better. I also do water aerobics and am very busy in my yard.

6. Take vitamin D. This really helps some people. I take 3000mg a day and so does my daughter. I have seen it help her.

7. Move to a warmer, sunnier climate if need be. I would if I could, but I can't so I don't.

8. Eat less fat. I have lost almost 50 pounds by eating less than 20grams of fat a day. Eat smaller meals of about 300 calories each and eat more often. If you eat 300 cals. or less a meal, you can easily have six meals a day. I tend to have three small meals and three snacks. It has worked for me. I no longer eat high fat, high calorie foods. I still eat most everything I like.

9. Take magnesium. I don't, because I no longer have any internal female organs. I have heard and read that magnesium can help those who have PMS. Look it up online.

10. Get in your Bible. Find many verses of encouragement. Write them in a book, put them on cards, memorize them, do whatever you can to have them close by when you are feeling really bad. I especially encourage you to memorize John 17:17, "Sanctify them through thy truth, THY WORD IS TRUTH." When those stupid thoughts try to overrun your brain, cling to God's Word because it is the truth. It is the only truth in this world. It is the only truth in your life.

11. Remember that "THIS TOO SHALL PASS". While you are in the depths of depression it may feel like you will never feel better, but you will. You have before and you will again. It will take time, but God is with you for He promised that He will never leave you nor forsake you.

If you would like to talk to me more about depression, please do. I know how awful it is and I know that there are times when I don't want to have anything to do with anyone, but the rest of the time, I want to pray for you and help you.

Guilt Trip

How do you get off a guilt trip? I have no problem getting myself on one, but getting off is tough. It seems that I mess up even when I don't mean to mess up and more often than I care to know. It seems that even when I have the best intentions and purposes, it winds up backfiring. Recently, I got mad at my sweetheart kitty. His morning meowing was starting to drive me crazy. He had been fed, loved on, petted, played with, and talked to. But it wasn't enough. Well, morning is my devoted time to the Lord. Usually, Kitten Boy will fall asleep while I pray and read my Bible. But not on this day. He just would not be quiet.

So, I got angry and put him outside where it was raining like crazy. He stayed on the back step where he wouldn't get wet and just stared in the backdoor. I instantly got on a lovely guilt trip. However, as I went back to my prayer time, the Holy Spirit seemed to say that I needed to focus on this guilt trip. Why was I feeling guilty? I had thrown the cat outside in the yecky weather. No, The Holy Spirit wanted me to get to the sin of the guilt trip...the cat would be fine outside, so, why was I on this guilt trip? Focus, Alice. It was easy...I felt guilty for my sin of getting angry. That was the problem. I admit that I have allowed the sin of anger to once again rear its ugly head in my life. It was a bad sin that I had dealt with a couple of decades ago but realized that I had let it come back and control my emotions.

I confessed and repented of my sin right then and there. Whenever I am now tempted to get angry (which is still quite often), I use God's Word to fight it, instead of giving in and then winding up on another guilt trip.

Then, last night, I was getting on one of the worse guilt trips, the kind that make you so upset that you just want to cry, you just want to hide, you just want to run-away from life. I felt that I had unintentionally hurt a very good friend. She didn't say anything to make me think it, but I just sensed it. (Sometimes I really hate my overactive imagination.) I won't go into all of the details, just suffice it to say that I felt horrid when I went to bed. My brain would not stop feeling guilty. I even tried to focus on the true problem, but I couldn't think of a sin. What the Holy Spirit revealed to me was that I need to really pray and seek God's will before I do anything that is "out of the norm". It is a good lesson that I need to learn.

This morning, I was able to put this new lesson into practice. I was getting ready to do something, that in all likelihood I would wind up doing anyways, but I hadn't taken the time to pray about it and to seek God's will in the matter. It just happened that I had something else that I was in the middle of doing and it needed my immediate attention, so I wasn't able to finish doing what I had started to do. And then my beloved came home from the gym and told me to wait before I acted. Praise God.

So, I am thankful for guilt trips, for the Holy Spirit who is trying to teach me a new lesson, and for the lessons themselves...even when they aren't very fun.

A mom's a mom

"A son's a son, 'til he takes a wife. A daughter's a daughter all of her life." This was a favorite saying of my mother. It was meant to make me understand why my older brother didn't spend much time with us after he got married. (It still didn't help me to understand. I loved and adored my older brother, and just couldn't understand why he still didn't live with us or come over every day.)

It wasn't until I became a wife eight years later that I finally got the idea. A woman is just more comfortable with her own family and the husband is usually willing to please his wife. I know that is a fact in my marriage. However, this saying has taken on a deeper meaning to me as a mother of an adult daughter who is autistic and has mental illness.

Never in my wildest dreams could I have ever imagined having a child with disabilities. My hopes, dreams, and prayers were for several "above-average" children. (Actually, I know now, it was my pride that wanted my children to be "above-average".) Not only did God have other plans for me, He had plans that were deeper and wider than my mind could comprehend. He would allow me to have at least four miscarries. He would allow my only child to be different. He would use that child and her disabilities to change me in tremendous ways. He would humble me. And He would make it so that I would have my daughter for the rest of her life (or mine.)

It is hard to be a mother of an adult child. Even though she is technically 29 years old, she is really only 10 years old. Her behaviors are so immature. Her thought processes are so strange. Her social skills are extremely limited. And there are times when she just drives me crazy. Just when I think that she is making real progress, she goes and proves me wrong. It can be so frustrating.

Her life has always been "two steps forward, one big step back." Today, we learned about the "big step back" at work. (For those of you who read her Facebook postings, I apologize for any and all that have been inappropriate. I don't have Facebook, so I had no idea what she was posting. Until her boss told us of a couple. I am so embarrassed.) She was doing so wonderful at her new job, that I had become relaxed in her accomplishments; forgetting about the "big step back" or hoping that it just wouldn't come. But it did! Pray for wisdom to make things right.

So, God used my mother to be a "prophetess". Little did she know that when she began to quote one of her favorite sayings that I would have a daughter for the rest of my life. And I thank God that I do. I wouldn't trade her for anything nor for everything.

Happy Two

Last time I blogged about being happy and this week I am going to give you some verses that might open your eyes or make you reflect. This may be boring or dry, but I like to do Bible studies of certain words and thought I would share this one with you.

"Old Testament Definitions:
Asher: to be straight. level, right, happy, go forward, be honest, prosper, bless(ed), guide, lead, relieve.
Ehsher: happiness, how happy!, blessed, happy.
Shawlaw: to be tranquil, secure, successful, be happy, prosper, be in safety.

It is mentioned 20 times in the Old Testament, 7 times are in Psalms. Twice it is found in Psalms 144:15," Happy is that people, that is in such a case: yea, happy is that people, whose God is the LORD." (See the rest of the chapter to see why they are happy...it is because of God's goodness and blessings.)

New Testament Definitions:
Makarizo: to beautify, pronounce, esteem, fortunate, call blessed, count happy.
Makarios: supremely blest, fortunate, well off, blessed, happy(ier).

It is mentioned only 6 times in the New Testament, twice in Second Peter. Only once written by Paul to the church, Romans 14:22, "...Happy is he that condemeth not himself in that thing which he alloweth." (See the rest of the chapter to realize that this is the freedom that we have in Christ.)

The first time the word is mentioned in the Bible is when Leah, the first wife of Jacob, names the son of her handmaid "Asher", which means happy. Genesis 30:13.

Here are the other references in the Old Testament:
Deut.33:29, Israel is happy because they have been saved (preserved) by the LORD.
I Kings 10:8, King Solomon's soldiers and servants are happy to serve him and to hear his wisdom.
Job 5:17, "Behold, happy is the man whom God correcteth." (Wow, that doesn't sound like fun.)
Ps. 127:5, Happy is the man who has children (and lots of them.)
Ps. 128:2, Happy is everyone that fears the LORD (see vs.1).
Ps. 137:8-9, (This is yecky!) Happy shall he be who takes revenge on Babylon.
Ps. 146:5, "Happy is he that hath the God of Jacob for his help."
Pro. 3:13, "Happy is the man that findeth wisdom and the man that getteth understanding."
Pro. 3:18, Happy is everyone that retains wisdom. (Interesting!)
Pro. 14:21, Happy is he that has mercy on the poor. (not focused on self.)
Pro. 16:20, Happy he that trusts in the LORD.
Pro. 28:14, "Happy is the man that feareth alway..."
Pro. 29:18, Happy is he that keeps the law.

New Testament references:
John 13:17, Jesus says that those who serve as he has served will be happy.
Acts 26:2, Paul is happy to give his testimony.
James 5:11, "...we count them happy which endure..." (amazing)
I Pet. 3:14, Happy are those who suffer for righteousness sake.
I Pet. 4:14, Happy are those who are reproached for the name of Christ.

It is amazing to me to see from God's Word what brings true happiness. The truth always seems contrary to what the world believes. There would be a lot more happy people (myself included) if we would realize what is true.

If the Lord wills, I hope the truths about Godly happiness can be put into an easy-to-read book. I believe it could be a great encouragement to Christians, especially those who are going through some trial or are discouraged or who are messed up in their thoughts."

I never did get around to putting this into book form, but I do hope that this blog form has been a blessing and encouragement for you to be happy in the Lord.

Happy?

Last week I was reading through one of my journals and found an entry that I thought was a blessing. It blessed me when I did the study on the word happy, and it blessed me again when I read it last week. I hope that it will be a blessing to you too.

"Many years ago, in the late 60s, a cutesy book came out titled, "Happiness is a Warm Puppy". I believe that it was written by Charles Schultz, the cartoonist who drew the Peanuts comic strip for many years. I loved that comic as a child, and it still brings a smile now that I am an adult. Anyway, each page in this book had just one line describing what happiness is and had a cute drawing. Of course, they were all things that could bring a warm, comfy feeling of happiness. However, all of them were based on what the world considers happiness. It was (and is) a sweet, feel-good book.

During Jubilee, a couple weeks ago (now several years ago), Pastor Rick Adams (from Portland, Ore) preached a message that made several references to happiness from the Bible. Ever since then, I have felt that it would be interesting to get out my Strong's Concordence and do a Bible study on the word happiness. Maybe it will bring me some victory (I was struggling with lots of depression during this time) or at least peace when I'm down in the dumps. So, here goes."

I will bring you more next time.

My Baby

It is hard to believe that my precious daughter turned 29 today. Rebekah has been and continues to be a tremendous blessing in our lives. I thank God that He allowed her to be born into our family. I would not trade her for anything.

As many of you know, the Lord only allowed us to have one child, and He allowed that child to have special needs. We suffered five miscarries and a total hysterectomy. At first we were mad and sad that our only child would be "different" from normal. It took God getting a hold of our hearts to change our thinking. Now, I am so grateful and praise God.

The Lord has used this wonderful child to teach me lessons that I would not have learned without her. (Some day I will blog about them.) She has brought joy to our little family with her corny jokes and her silly actions. She is the most laid-back, easy-going, hard-working (when she wants), smart, loyal, faithful, dependable, person that I know. She loves to read and listen to music. She loves to get on the computer and to learn all that she can about a subject. She loves to write and draw. She loves to shop whenever she has money (it burns a hole in her belly-bag and she can't wait to spend it.) She loves bright colors and sparkles and jewels. She loves the Lord Jesus and her Bible. She loves good preaching and teaching. She loves the Mercury 7 astronauts, especially Gus Grissom. She loves Richard Nixon and Phil Condit. She has pictures of them that she likes to look at every day. At times she is weird and crazy. At times she can be cranky, but not very often (usually when her medications aren't working.) And she loves Special Olympics, especially the Spring sports of track and field.

When she was born, I had all these dreams I thought she would fulfil for me. When we discovered that she was autistic, those dreams began to fade. When we found out that she also had mental illness, those dreams disappeared. Instead, God gave me a wider realization and understanding of the dreams that He had for Rebekah. I had to totally surrender her to Him and let Him do with her as He saw best. She is not "my" child, she belongs to the Lord and He has allowed me to be her mother, and I could not be any happier than I am with this precious daughter.